Welcome Back

Welcome Back--

It's been a while since I've written. That's not to say that there hasn't been anything to write about-- I guess I'm just very bad about keeping up with my writing. Not that anyone is reading. I don't feel very reinvented today. In fact, from a physical perspected, I am a mess. A physical mess. Not only do I *look* horrible, but I feel horrible. And I've been very depressed lately. I can't tell you why I've been depressed, but I have been. Very depressed. I can't say that I've ever really been this depressed before. That's what leads me to believe there is something physical ailing me. I can't shake the depression, I look like hell and I just have no motivation. A complete 180 from the motivation that brought me to write about reinventing myself. I honestly cannot say what happened. I will write again-- but I'm tired this evening. I need to rest. The journey thus far has been long...

Weeks you want to forget

I was going to talk about work and all of the drama associated with the fact that I just suffer from being trapped in a job and in an industry that I cannot escape. But I just realized that my biggest problem is I just can't make people happy. I try so hard to make the people around me happy- I worry so much about what other people think of me; my husband, my son, my coworkers, friends, family- that I sacrifice what I want- what I need, what is responsible, what matters-- my sanity-- my happiness, even. I think about making others happy first, before I think about what makes sense. I care about whether people are happy with me- whether they like me, keeping them from being disappointed in me and angry with me that I am constantly sacrificing. At home, I sacrifice my own needs, my pride, my happiness. At work, I sacrifice what needs to be done. Maybe sacrifice is a strong word, but in all of these instances it is certainly a compromise. I have this deep, dark fear of being rejected. Of disappointing people and with that disappointment will come rejection and abandonment. I have to do what people want me to do in order for them to stay my friends, or my husband or my son or my employer. I have no confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and say "this is what I think is best" or "this is what I think is right". I feel like my opinion is always challenged, that I"m not ever making sound decisions or doing anything right. I have lost complete confidence in my ability to make any decisions at all- personal or professional. I really just want to be responsible for *nothing*. I just want to go about my day and have other people just *do* for me. I don't want to decide anything, manage anything, be in charge of anything. I don't want to decide what's for dinner. I don't want to decide or manage projects or determine the schedule for any major company projects. I don't want to balance what one family member wants vs. what another one wants. I don't want the lack of a "sisterly relationship" with my younger sister or the fact that my brother never talks to me, to be *my* burden any more. Why is that my fault? Why have I been charged with the fault of the lack of relationships all these years? They are grown, adults-- can they not be held accountable?
I walk around with a "kick me" sign on my back, and that is exactly what people do. They Kick me. I make it easy for them to unload their personal burdens and responsibilities. If I carry it, then they don't have to reach out to me or call me, or carry their share. I do it for them. They know that if they fall short- vulnerable, attention seeking Ms. ~M will be there to smooth things over before they can say "cheese". They don't even have to worry about making things right. All of that will be taken care of for them. I give people free reign and set no expectations on how to be treated.
So- identifying it is the first step? Changing it is the hard part. I guess part of my "reinvention" is knowing how and what I do. I can't say that I am familiar with how to change it. Just when I think I know how to hold my head up 100%- I fall again. I feel fake, like I'm putting on show for the world to see. "Look at that girl pretending to have her shit together". Who would take me seriously? That is the question I always seem to ask myself, and where I come full circle.
I must learn to turn off the negative recording..

Changes

I've honestly never "blogged" before. Of course I've heard about it, seen it, read about it. But I've never done it. I guess it's like writing a journal. I'm supposed to document my inner most thoughts, post them online and see if there is anyone out there that has the same thoughts and feelings as I have. It all seems kind of elementary-- I'm not sure why I'm doing it, or why I started this. But, for the last year or so, I've been feeling as though there is a lot I need to say. A lot that I need to get off of my chest and out into the world. It doesn't matter whether it is in a blog, to a friend, in a book or on a cocktail napkin- there is too much inside for me to keep in. There is an intensity of experience, fear and transformation that lives inside this mind that I need to make others aware of. No one knows how I really feel- and no one certainly knows the "real" me. They only see the small thin, transluscent layer of the onion. It's been peeled back time and time again, only to reveal the thicker layer that has been so hard to penetrate. No one really gets through, and those that do, often regret it. I've spent the last four years trying to soften that layer. Trying to take stock in why I do the things that I do, and why things transpire for me as they do. How I have made my own destiny. How the past really never *stays* in the past and how, no matter how hard you try, people never really forget your past mistakes. You forget-- they forgive. And that day that comes when the universe lays those mistakes in front of you one day after another, to remind you of them so you can start to forgive yourself. This is my journey...

Reinvented...

Welcome

I hope you will find this page inspiring...

~M