Magical Weekend

I learned two valuable lessons this weekend: The support of a loved one is imperative and you are not as close to your children as you'd like to think.

I used to think that I was so close to my mom. I remember growing up telling everyone how my mom and I were 'friends' and we were so close. The reality of that statement is that it is not, and was not true. I'm not sure if I was ever friends with my mom, but I know that we were not close. And today, we are nothing even remotely in resemblence to close. My mom doesn't call me for whatever reason, so if there is any contact between the two of us, it is because I have called her. She has no relationship with her grandson- and never really has. Neither of my parents ever took time out of their life to nurture a relationship with my son. They never "picked him up" and had him spend the night- or took him places. As a result- he barely knows them, and going to their house for him, is more of a planned event, than it is a regular or natural occurance. It's all of no matter now, and I have accepted their lack of interest in his life- he is almost grown now and will be in college in just a few short years. Why should their relationship with my son be any different than their relationship with me?
But that brings me to me and my son. Are we friends? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that I've learned from the mistakes of my mother/father and tried to forge a friendship with my son (while maintaining my parental status.) But who am I kidding? There are days when I think we are close, and then there are days when he has absolutely no use for me. A typical teenager you say? That is the problem at hand. What is typical teenage behavior vs. what we should expect from our children?
I expect him to want to be around me- to want to be my friend. But is that possible- is that realisitc?
And the butterfly comes full circle. Here we are with today's lesson.
The past comes back to haunt and it clouds my judgement as to what is acceptable and what should be expected. I fear so much of creating the same situation with my son that exist(s)(ed) with my mother that I don't know up from down, down from up- what to do when, what to expect. When to push for behavior- when to just accept it. I hover, and smother but then try to relax-- I fear so much for those same mistakes because I haven't come to terms with my own insecurities. I can't tell when someone is just having a normal reaction, or if someone really is trying to 'snub' me, or be unkind to me.
This part of the journey requires my second lesson learned this weekend- support. The support of a loved one is so crucial. Someone to help you make sense of it all. Someone to at least help keep you grounded when you are trying to sort through it all. someone you can lean upon without judgement, or reasoning. If you don't have a person like that in your life- find one. Immediately. I have a person like that. Someone I can trust with my most personal fears. This person has been with me from the time that I built my cocoon, through my metamorphis and was there as I emerged a fragile butterfly. My wings are still very delicate and there are so many times that I just want to stop flying. But this person encourages me to lift up and fly again. I could not get through this life without them.

God Bless...